Nonsense

I had a great weekend. I was surrounded by plenty of people, all of which were nice and a complete joy to be around. I saw many old friends. I also met new people, which is always fun.

Unfortunately, I also lost my wallet. :(

I'm looking for a new place to live. In the same area. I love this area of Austin. It's so conveniently close to everything. I'm quite sure my lease ends in May, and I am looking forward to that like none other. I have decided that because I can't even transfer anywhere until I've been working in one place for a year, I'll live in Austin until December and then figure out what to do after that. I love Austin. It's a good place to live while young, I'd say. Then again, by the time I reach a year I may be ready to move on to something new. I can think of a lot of things I still want to try before I die.

I just realized I've almost been working for half a year here. That's insane. I can actually request time off!

I think a lot. Probably too much. About lots of things. Some things that probably don't even matter, or rather, shouldn't.

Some things I say in here may be inappropriate to write about. Is it awkward? Yes. Is it weird that certain people read this? Definitely. Will I go and hide it? Nah. Not for the most part at least. I'm a fairly honest person, and I'm quite proud of that. Besides, most things I write about are nonsense anyway. And I have to remind myself that this is a space where I can write things that are on my mind. So I will.

Why I still keep in contact with some people I never know. I have always been so good at getting rid of people in my life that are negative, mean, or say malicious things about me or anyone I care for. Then again, with certain people, I just can't let go. I blame it on the bonds people form once they live away from their family. If it wasn't for the people I know living in Austin today, I'd be in Houston right now. Without a doubt. Around my family. You'd think that it would be easy to get rid of someone who treated you like pure shit.

At work we learned what it's like for a woman to be in an abusive relationship. It's scary to say this, but I used to wonder if I was one of those women. Not to say that I was exactly in a physically abusive relationship, but rather an extremely emotionally abusive one. I actually remember laying in the bed of Roger's truck, imagining a garbage disposal, and feeling as if I were lower than the gunky watery mess on the bottom that comes from all of the garbage. Yet I always put myself in other's shoes and think about how I'd want to be treated if I were them. Sometimes I think I empathize too much. Is it sad that I'm more able to get rid of someone who has treated a family member or friend unkind, versus someone that has treated me poorly? Probably.

This makes me sad, but no one I know prefers him much anymore. That wasn't always the case. Everyone used to like him, possibly even love. They were all so happy and pleased. It was nice. My grandma would even ask how he was. She matters a lot to me. Now it's all so very different. Don't get me wrong though. We both did things to each other that we shouldn't have done, and in the end, he's a really great person when he wants to be. But sometimes it's hard to forget those times that he didn't want to be that great person. Amazingly enough, when he's drunk or lonely enough, he'll send me a message telling me he loves me. It's weird to read them, being that he's the one that made me become so cynical, practially fear marriage, and almost not believe that love exists. In fact, I remember thinking that if this was love, I didn't really want to ever feel that way again. Reading those three words always makes me sad though. Mainly because I know that although he probably truly believes that he still does love me, it's really not true. You just don't treat people you love in certain ways. At least, I would never imagine doing so.

To this day he still lies to me. And probably always will.